By Mansa Quainoo in Accra, Ghana
Picture this. After eight years of passionate sex, Nzeng and Zouzekou’s marital bliss has fizzled out and they have become more like strangers sleeping on the same bed. Their once vibrant sex life has suffered terribly and it is badly affecting their relationship but they are not even talking about it. According to Nzeng, he was first attracted to his wife because of her drool worthy figure but eight years down the line, she has gained weight and all the spontaneity in her has disappeared. She used to dress to kill and always tried to please him but now behaves as if they are brother and sister. Nzeng is also not pleased with his wife paying more attention to their two children than to him. In a strange way, he is now jealous and even envies his children who are now getting the attention his wife should have been directing towards him.
She loved him before the kids arrived. To make a bad situation worse, though they sleep on the same bed, sex is off limits now because Zouzekou is always worn out by the time she goes to bed. Though he tries his best to provide for his wife and children, things are just not going right. To console his aching heart, he now fantasizes about Ekang, a work colleague who is everything his wife is not.
Zouzekou also has problems with her Nzeng. She cannot understand why he keeps bringing back work from the office to complete at home. Life was indeed great when they had no children. She also resents the fact that he does not appear to realize she now has to juggle her career, house chores, two kids and a husband. She would be eternally grateful if Nzeng helps her with some of the work at home but he is forever doing his office work at home, reading newspapers or watching football on TV. He refused when Zouzekou suggested that they get house help. She now feels neglected and unloved and no longer has any desire for sex for some months now.
What Nzeng and Zouzekou think about each other are common complaints among couples. Your reasons may not be the same as theirs but lack of sexual desire is a common complain among men and women. Most couples are able to pinpoint the exact reasons why their sex life has dwindled to almost nothing but to others, things can be much more complicated. Whether your sex drive has diminished for only a few weeks, months or even years, these tips will help spice and rekindle your love life. Remember, this is for adults only.
Often times, we assume that we are communicating with our partners but we are not. Most women tend to nag and complain bitterly thinking that they are communicating with their partners but they are not.
We intend to hurt each other without knowing or sensing it. Men often do not express the way the feel because they try to paint the perfect picture- they want to prove they are tough inside, but deep down, they might be hurting. If you are hurting and you don’t speak up, your partner will assume that all is well. Always remember that, no matter how long you live with your partner, you will never completely know and understand him/her. So there is the need to make an effort to discover and learn more about your partner all the time. If possible, voice out how you feel about a particular situation without sarcasm and insults. Choose the right time and place to discuss issues that are bordering you. Don’t discuss important issue with your man when he is watching a football match between Chelsea and Liverpool. Even if his team is winning, he cannot have a reasonable conversation with you with his eyes glued to a TV screen.
Nzeng feels he is being neglected by his wife and he is not the only man in such a situation. Life is always fun when there are no children but as soon as they arrive, there is “scrambling for attention” at home. Women intend to give more attention and care to the children forgetting that the husband/partner is really the “big kid” who also needs attention, care and love too. It is good to give the children all the attention but do make time for your man else you will be pushing him to seek comfort from the “other woman”. Nzeng is already looking at Ekang at work and that is usually the beginning of trouble.
Stress can hit you from any direction. We all want to enjoy the best out of life so we have to hustle and bustle to get them and when you are tired and irritable, sex is the last thing on your mind. Even if you do want to have sex, it is not magical anymore. How do you get your sexual groove back on when you are stressed out? You can get a Thai massage but if you can’t afford or make time to go, turn your bedroom into a mini spa. Change your bed sheets. Put your mobile phones on silence or off. Get a good bath. Play some soothing music or jazz and let your partner massage you with baby oil or shea butter with nice scent. Alternatively, you can take a warm bath; powder all your body with Johnson baby powder and slip on your best cotton lingerie. Drink warm milk with honey to calm you down.
Do little things together
Nzeng can help Zouzekou with the household chores but he doesn’t and that leaves her tired and irritable all the time. The world’s best lovers are not those who do big things for their partners but rather, those who make sure they always do the little things together. Help out each other at home. Nzeng should try as possible not to bring his office work home. Office is for work and home is for the family. Assist each other with the cooking, ironing, cleaning, washing and other household chores. It is great for bonding. Take a bath together, cut and file your husband/wife’s nails and shave each other (be careful you don’t cut him/her). They are great sex appetizers and starters.
Make Time for Romance
If boredom is your problem, spice things up by taking a trip without the children. It doesn’t have to be a trip to the Eiffel Tower. It can be a trip to the countryside or garden or a place you have always dreamed of going. Having sex outside your bedroom and home is fun and a whole new experience you will love and you will come back fully energized to start exploring each other’s body again.
Work out Together
There is a lot of pressure on women to lose weight more than men. Women hardly put pressure on men to get rid of their pot bellies or have six packs like David Beckham. But it takes effort, discipline and dedication to shed off weight or baby weight but it is achievable. When you are big, there are some sex positions you can’t do them but you can help your lover achieve that by working out together. Take that swimming lesson together. Jog or ride that bicycle together. You can even take Zumba or Salsa or any dance lessons together. Chances are, your sex life will get back on course.
It doesn’t cost much to look good. Most ladies let themselves go as soon as they get married or get comfortable with their partners. Don’t forget your grandmother’s timeless advice; men are aroused by what they see. Change your hairstyle as often as possible. Lingerie’s have ways of attracting attention in the bedroom. There is something sexy and mysterious about a man who wears crisp white briefs or boxers. A man who smells good is very irresistible in the bedroom.
Appreciate each other
Don’t wait till special occasions to show love. Let your partner know that you appreciate his efforts in making sure you and the kids are catered for. On the other hand, thank your woman for putting the home together and taking care of the kids. Never forget to say thank you, please and sorry. It heals all wounds and restores relationships.
Sex and more sex
Sex can never be nourishing if you and your partner are emotionally estranged. Solve all that is eating you up before sex by trying some of the suggested tips above. Don’t regulate your sex; be spontaneous. Try and make love at unusual places. There are million sex positions to try out that will revive your lack of sexual drive; all you need is imagination and creativity. Don’t be shy to let your feelings known if your partner is not hitting the right buttons.
If all of these fail, seek professional help